Pebbles in the Water
by Emrys MK
Summary: After the final battle Severus and Harry are not coping well. Severus tries to help Harry, but it is Harry who ends up helping Severus. Post HBP. Since this was written in 2006, before DH, it is AU. Gen Fic


**Title**: Pebbles in the Water  
**Author**: Sev1970/MK Malfoy  
**Date Written**: Sept. 2-8, 2006; edited 7-18-08  
**Words**: 4,487  
**Characters**: Severus Snape, Harry Potter  
**Summary**: After the final battle Severus and Harry are not coping well. Severus tries to help Harry. Post HBP. Since this was written in 2006, before DH, it is AU. Gen Fic  
**Rating**: PG  
**Warnings**: mention of past character deaths.  
**A/N**: Thanks as always go to my wonderful and magnificent beta, Maggie! She gave me the title and idea of using the quote. The quote at the beginning of the fic is from the poem "A Ripple Flowing" which can be found at  
**Disclaimer**: I own nothing Harry Potter related. It all belongs to J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Inc., Warner Bros., and any other entities involved.

_--Am I a pebble on the water, a ripple flowing? Or a stone, sinking from the weight of the world._

Severus Snape could hear the rain, as well as the thunder rumbling, and wondered if this was how hell greeted its newest inductees. Then again, perhaps he was in purgatory, awaiting his final sentence. Wherever he now resided was of little consequence. His life had ended — that was all that mattered. Whatever he had done in the past, good and bad, was history, and Severus could rest easier knowing he would not bring anyone else grief.

Severus, a Death Eater by choice, professor by necessity, knew that his life had never mattered to anyone: His parents had neglected him, and Dumbledore had needed him as a spy. His life had been important as long as he could be the good little puppet.

"Professor Snape, can you hear me?"

Befuddled at being able to hear the Potter boy's voice in hell, purgatory or wherever it was that he now found himself, Severus forced his eyes open. It took longer than he thought it should, but when he could finally see the owner of that grating voice, all of the positive feelings that had only recently made their way through Severus's mind fled, and he allowed a slight growl to escape as he recognized his surroundings. Unfortunately, he was not in hell as he had imagined, but he most definitely was in his own hell. Focusing his gaze on the blurry figure before him, Severus continued blinking, his sight cloudy. He opened his mouth and tried to speak, but no words came forth.

"Drink this. It'll help."

Severus glared as the boy helped him lift his head, but he greedily drank the cold liquid through the straw until nothing remained in the glass. When his head was lowered to the pillow, he intensified his glare; he didn't want _his_ help. However, he had no choice; he could barely move. He looked around the small room and saw no one else. Certainly, Harry Potter was not his caregiver. He closed his eyes and wished for oblivion to claim him.

"How long have I been unconscious, Potter?" Severus rasped, his voice not much more than a whisper.

"Six months. You were in an induced coma. You were supposed to come out of it last week, only you didn't. You had everyone worried, but Madam Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall knew you were stubborn enough not to die."

Severus doubted Potter had worried about him. "Where is Poppy? And why are you here?"

"She'll be back this evening. I said I'd stay with you until then."

Potter had offered to stay with him? There was something odd going on, but Severus was too tired to be inquisitive; it would have to wait. Without another word, he drifted off to sleep.

When Severus next woke, he sighed. The Potter brat was still seated in the same place he had been earlier. Severus was furious. Hadn't Poppy realised that Harry Potter would be the last person he would want to see when he regained consciousness? Then again, why would she or anyone else care about his feelings?

"What were the extent of my injuries, Potter?" Severus asked, startling the boy out of his stupor. It amused the man and he had the urge to make a caustic remark but he hadn't the energy; he was in too much pain. The Dark Lord had discovered his _not-so-faithful_ Death Eater's true allegiance, and the punishment and subsequent battle had not been at all kind to his body.

"It's a miracle you survived, Professor. You were hit with the Killing Curse, but for some unknown reason, you survived. Not by much, mind you."

Severus nodded his head in answer, closed his eyes, and was once again asleep within seconds.

~*~

Severus tried sitting, but quickly abandoned that idea when his arms and back protested. Thankfully, Potter wasn't by his bed staring at him, but as Severus's throat was still sore, he wished the boy was around. He tried to reach for the glass of water on the bedside table, but couldn't. His arms weren't working, and his neck muscles would not allow him to move. Frustrated, Severus growled.

It worked. Potter was by his side within seconds. "Are you okay?"

An aggravated Severus sighed. "What do you think, Mr Potter? No, I am not okay. I cannot move, I feel as though my body is on fire, and my throat is killing me," Severus managed to whisper as he looked longingly at the glass of water so close, yet so far away. He heard Potter's breath hitch and, within a second, watched the boy once again lift his head and bring the glass to his dry lips. The water felt exquisite going down his parched throat. When he drank it all, he made a sound of protest, and soon another full glass was pressed against his lips. When he finished, he turned his head away just enough to let Potter know he didn't want any more. His head was lowered to the pillow. He hadn't done anything at all strenuous, but he felt as if he had run a marathon; he was exhausted. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.

~*~

"Professor?"

Severus had been staring at the ceiling, thinking of everything that had happened since he had killed Dumbledore. It was all depressing, but there wasn't much in his life that wasn't. Severus shifted his eyes so he was looking at the boy out of the corner of his left eye. "Yes?"

Potter looked distressed; he had looked similar earlier, but this was different, and seeing the normally over-confident boy this way was unsettling, and that fact baffled him. Severus wasn't completely heartless, but he certainly had not ever felt sympathy for Harry Potter, Albus's Golden Boy. Yes, he had spent many a night and day worried about the brat, but doing so had been his duty then. Now, he had no reason to care how Potter coped. Nevertheless, he felt sorry for the boy who looked very much alone and scared. His two sidekicks were not here to help him.

They had been killed in the battle, not long before Voldemort fell. Potter had lost his will to fight after they had died, and if it hadn't been for Severus, Potter wouldn't have survived. Severus wanted to berate the boy for his stupidity, but he wouldn't.

Potter had changed in the past six months since Severus had last seen him. Nothing about the boy exuded happiness or hope, the two things Severus had always thought so irritating in Potter. No matter his thoughts about the boy or his father, Severus knew the boy had been through too much. What seventeen-year-old should have to face what Harry Potter had?

"Sir?"

Severus managed, with difficulty, to turn his head, and looked at Potter. "I'm not going anywhere, Potter. If you have something to say, please say it." Severus coughed, then glared at the sullen boy and willed him to speak.

"I wanted to apologise and thank you. I was wrong and, because of that, I almost got myself killed. If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't be here."

"An astute observation, Mr Potter. It seems as though I am still saving you from yourself. Do tell me, why do you think I said what I did to you before Mr Malfoy and I Disapparated? And don't look so forlorn; you know precisely what I am referring to. I was and am well aware of your stubborness and lack of intelligence, but even you should have understood my words to you." Severus closed his eyes and willed himself to calm down. His berating Potter was not going to change any of what happened. Taking a deep breath, he reopened his eyes. "You didn't deserve that; I apologize, Mr Potter." Severus watched as the nervous boy shook his head. He really shouldn't be so rough on the boy, but Potter made it far too easy. He was an open book.

"No, you're right, Professor. Had I kept my mouth shut, everything would have ended without anyone other than _him_ dying. I didn't listen to what you told me. I was so mad, and I didn't want to think it meant anything. You have every right to be angry with me. I caused those deaths. I killed my best friends."

Severus had a fleeting thought that it would serve the boy right if he voiced his agreement; however, not even he was that heartless. "You have learned from your mistakes, as have I learned from mine. We cannot change what has happened in the past, but if we are fortunate, we learn from what has happened and do not let it happen again."

"Yes, sir."

~*~

It was a fortnight before Severus attempted to get out of bed with Poppy's help. His legs simply couldn't support his weight, as slight as he was. Nevertheless, he was determined to regain his physical strength. He walked around the small interior of the house twice, and the excursion tired him, but he knew if he remained in bed all day, he would never regain his strength. As much as he had wanted to be dead earlier, now he wanted to live. Whatever it took to get back to his normal physical health, Severus would do.

Physically, Severus knew he would continue to regain his strength. Emotionally, however, he was not progressing as well, but he had never had the most stable of demeanors as it was, so there was not much hope that there would be any significant changes. It didn't help that his days spent in bed gave him far too much time to think. Unpleasant memories were resurfacing: ones from the final battle, and ones from his early days as a Death Eater.

At times, he could feel himself being lured into the safety of his mind, a place where he didn't have to think about what was going on outside. It was tempting to give in and retreat within himself, but as melancholy and apathetic as he was, Severus was beginning to realise that there was possibly a reason he was still here. As much as it chagrined him, he had the unsettling feeling that he was going to have to be the one to help Harry Potter.

He had overheard Poppy and Minerva speaking worriedly about the boy on several occasions. Potter had only been back once, and Severus had feigned sleep; he just hadn't wanted to muster the energy to talk to the boy. It wasn't the boy's past that had dictated Severus's unwillingness to talk, but the demeanor Severus had observed in Potter the day he awoke. It was an image that haunted Severus. He had sensed the despair, and he wanted to help the boy, but there was nothing that would bring back Granger and Weasley, and that was the only way the boy would be happy.

It had been easier to ignore Potter. However, he wasn't able to ignore the worried tones of the two women. Their talks had been somewhat overly dramatic he thought, but, then again, he knew Potter was the wizarding world's _sweetheart_, and if he was hurting, everyone should be. This frustrated Severus, especially since he now felt a strong compulsion to help the brat.

Had Severus not experienced what Potter was currently going through, he would feel differently. As it was, he knew the boy needed someone to talk to. Severus had longed to have someone to converse with when he was younger, and he had eventually found that in Albus Dumbledore, but it had come too late to prevent him from joining the Dark Lord.

~*~

Severus looked around to see who was his current _care giver_. Potter was supposed to be watching him, but he wasn't and, for once, Severus appreciated Potter's penchant for doing as he pleased. Of course, the boy could return at any moment, but Severus would take his chances. He was tired of being in bed, and wanted to get up and walk around, if only for a few minutes. He knew any more than that would tire him.

It took him three minutes to steady himself enough that he felt comfortable trying to walk, and it took him at least five minutes to walk the few metres to the small desk in the corner. When he reached the chair, he sat down with a groan and closed his eyes as the pain that lanced through his body, subsided. Once he no longer thought that he might be sick, he reopened them and looked at the desk: parchments were strewn across the surface. Severus retrieved one of them, intent to read it, when another parchment, one that had been hidden beneath the one he now held, caught his eye. He could see his name staring back at him, and wondered what the parchment was. He set down the one in his hand and retrieved the other. It appeared as if it was a letter. Opening it, Severus began reading.

_Dear Sir,_

Thank you for killing He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. My teacher says you were a bad person but that you decided to become good. She says you did an honourable thing. I don't know much about anything, but if my teacher believes in you, then so do I. I am sorry you were hurt, and I hope you get well soon.

Your friend,  
Cassandra

Severus's brows rose, and he swallowed as he retrieved another parchment. It was also a letter.

_Dear Sir,_

My grandfather was killed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named before I was born. I was so scared when we found out he was back. You may think you are as bad as he was because you were a Death Eater and followed him. Please don't believe that. You are good now, and you got rid of that evil person. You couldn't have done that if you were bad. I hope you do not get in trouble, and I hope those mean people change their minds and realise you have repented, and are now changed. How could they think you were bad? You are a hero to me.

Sincerely,  
Kim

Severus set down the parchment and grabbed another.

_Dear Mr Snape,_

Did you really save Harry Potter's life? He's lucky he had you. My father says he was almost killed. I don't understand what is going on. I'm only 11, and I am supposed to begin Hogwarts next term. I am sad that so many good people have been killed. I am also sorry that you got in trouble. Are you bad? I don't think you are. How can you be bad when you saved us all? My mum says you should be knighted for what you did. She's Muggle-born, my mum is, but don't hold that against her. She's okay. She says you are mean in lessons, but she says you are the best teacher she ever had.

Thank you,  
Jenn

Severus stared at the letter then looked down to the desk, which seemed to be covered with more of the same. Picking up another, Severus looked around again to be sure he was alone, then began reading.

_Dear Professor -_

I don't know you, and you weren't one of my teachers, but I know you are a teacher at Hogwarts. Your students are so lucky. I wish I had a teacher who was as brave as you. I wish I was as brave as you. Last year I joined a local gang. I wanted to fit in, and I thought that would help. At first it helped a lot, but then they started wanting me to do bad things. I did. I did some very bad things. I still do very bad things. I want to get out. I want to get out so badly, sir. You are my hero for what you did. You risked being killed to go against Voldemort, and yes, I know everyone says not to say his name, but I hear that Harry Potter says it is better to say it, so I am. Anyway, back to what I was saying. You could have remained bad and not got hurt, but you chose to be good. I am sad that you were injured so badly. I'll cry if you die. Who knows? I might find the strength to leave the gang I am in. I hope so.

Martin

Severus didn't know how to react; he couldn't believe all these letters seemed to be for him. He was about to reach for another when he sensed another presence. He turned his head and saw Potter grinning. Severus sighed as he returned his gaze back to the letters and swept his arm above the desk.

"What is the meaning of this, Potter?"

"They've been coming in non-stop since you were injured. These are just the latest ones."

Severus nodded, his eyes scouring the letters. "I am guessing you have been reading these letters which, might I add, are addressed to me?"

"Yes, sir. Professor McGonagall asked me to answer them for you; she knew you wouldn't be interested in doing so."

Severus turned just enough so he could see Potter's face. "She knows me well. Are these reflective of the others? I find it difficult to believe people are being sympathetic about what I have done. I deserve their hatred."

"No, sir, you don't. Professor, I don't care what you did in the past, I really don't. You saved my life. Don't you get it? If you hadn't been there, I'd be dead now. I think I still hated you then, but when I woke up and was alive, it was okay. I understood what you had done and why you did it. And they do too. Yeah, there are a few letters that are filled with hateful things, but you're not a nice person, you had to expect those."

Severus smirked. No, he definitely was not a nice person.

"Sorry, sir. You did a bad thing a long time ago, and because of that, you've had to do other bad things so your true allegiances wouldn't be discovered. By now everyone knows what you did, but they seem to understand. I wanted you to understand."

"You wanted me to find the letters?" This was more than a bit surreal, as well as discomfiting. Severus was out of his element, and he didn't like it one bit.

"Yes, sir. You won't listen to me or Madam Pomfrey. You deserve to know there are people out there who care about what happens to you."

"I see. Well, Mr Potter, how very thoughtful of you. I'll ask that you continue doing as you have been. I can't be bothered with reading them." Severus could have sat and read every letter. There had been little encouragement in his life, and so few people had ever said they were proud of him. He craved the words these letters contained.

"Yes, sir. If you change your mind, the rest of them are in the secret room."

Severus nodded. It seemed Potter had finally mastered the art of tact.

~*~

"Why are you still here, Mr Potter? You should be out exploring the world."

"I've been helping Professor McGonagall get Hogwarts ready to reopen."

Severus nodded. "Will you be joining the staff, perhaps as the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher?" Severus said with more than a small amount of derision in his voice. It wouldn't surprise him if the boy was named the new Deputy Headmaster…well, perhaps that was going too far, but everyone did so love to indulge the boy.

"Minerva said I need to apprentice under someone first, but yeah, that's what I'm going do in a few years."

"Oh? So who is the unfortunate soul you'll be tagging along behind?" Severus was glaring, but he somehow knew that Potter no longer took his glares as anything other than what they were — the expected expression of one Severus Snape.

"Tonks."

She was exactly who Severus thought should have taught the cursed subject during the last year Hogwarts had been open. If she had, perhaps none of the events that had taken place, would have. "Ah yes, Nymphadora. She is a worthy choice if I do say so myself. Do us all a favor and pay attention when she is helping you."

~*~

"Mr Potter." Severus watched as the boy turned around and looked at him with his mouth open, and he couldn't help the slight smile that he was sure Harry could see.

"You walked out here by yourself?"

"Very observant. Join me inside for tea. We need to talk."

After Harry seated himself on the small sofa, Severus settled in the chair across from him and cleared his throat. "Why did you allow Miss Granger to fight beside you? You knew she had no business being there." Severus could see the anger in the boy's face; it was what he had wanted to see.

"Hermione did what she wanted to. I had nothing to do with that."

"Surely you knew she was in danger when Greyback began to approach. Why didn't you place a shield around her and Mr Weasley?"

"I wanted to, but Voldemort … he was right there and I couldn't take my eyes off him."

Severus nodded. "I see. So you allowed Greyback to fight Mr Weasley, did you?"

"NO! I didn't let him do anything. I tried to help, really, I did, but he … and they … I couldn't, Professor. It's all my fault. If I … all I had to do was whisper a word and they would have been okay, and they wouldn't be dead. But I didn't. I didn't. I killed them."

Severus had accomplished his goal. He felt a momentary bout of regret at making the boy so upset, but it soon left because this needed to happen. Yes, in theory Potter could have saved his two friends, but what Severus needed Harry to realise was that the boy had no real control over what happened. Ron and Hermione had known the risks they were taking. Harry had not caused their deaths, and he was not responsible for them either. The sooner he realised this, the better.

"Harry, Miss Granger and Mr Weasley were killed by Fenrir Greyback, not by you. You were busy with _Voldemort_." Severus felt nervous saying the name, and became angry with himself. The evil monster was dead and no longer controlled him. "There is nothing you could have done, Potter. As you said, they didn't help you because you asked them to, they did it because they wanted to. So you need to cease blaming yourself for their deaths."

"You don't understand. They were my best friends. They were counting on me. I failed them. I failed everyone."

Severus growled. Potter was testing him, and was about to push him too far. "Very well. If you insist on continuing with this inane notion, then so be it. I'll leave you with one final thought to think about, Potter. Do you recall reading a letter that said I had been a hero because I had saved Harry Potter?"

"Yeah."

"I don't agree. I'm no hero, Potter, but I am proud of saving your life. You won't ever know how much you have done for me. I held it against you, oh yes, but you did save my life long before I saved yours. As a baby, you made it possible for me to live. Potter, you saved my life that night, but you had no idea of that. You were just being you. It is not for anyone to question what happens to us, or why. We'll never be given those answers. We all make mistakes, but sometimes we are given second chances. Your friends died. It seemed then, and it does now, senseless and unnecessary. I'm sorry, Potter. I'm sorry you lost your best friends. I know it hurts. But don't think that they would be upset with you because you lived. Every life lost that day hurt me, Potter. I've seen far too much death in my life, and each one stays with me. I could tell you exactly how Miss Granger looked as she died, and I could tell you how Mister Weasley smiled and looked at you, giving you a thumbs up as he fell." Severus would have continued, but he watched as Harry turned around and put his head in his hands, then watched as the boy cried. He wouldn't be surprised if this was the first time Harry had allowed his emotions to come out.

Severus didn't have a paternal bone in his body, but if he did he would have walked over and hugged the boy and told him it was going to be okay in time. As it was, he stood and walked to the kitchen to give the boy some time alone. There was nothing he could say to the boy, and it was likely Potter wouldn't want him near while he was so upset.

~*~

Three years later…

Severus looked around the Great Hall. Harry Potter was involved in an in-depth conversation with the newest addition to the Hogwarts staff, Katie Bell. Severus couldn't help the grin that found its way to his face as he observed the animated young man. As it had been for Severus, it had been a struggle for Harry, and although nothing would ever be the same, Severus knew that both he and Harry had finally begun to live again. Life did go on. Severus stood to leave, but stopped when he heard footsteps approach. He turned to see one of his first years standing before him.

"Hello, Mister Oldiss. Is there a problem?"

"No, sir. Er, well, I just wanted to say thank you."

Severus was momentarily speechless, but then he cleared his throat. "May I ask what you are thanking me for?" He watched the boy's face break out into a huge grin.

"My dad, well, he hasn't always been so good, and he gets into trouble a lot. Mum wrote me a letter though and told me he finally decided to be a better person. I didn't understand much of what she was saying, but she said that it was because of you that he decided to change. I really hope he changes. I love him so much. So, I just wanted to thank you. Whatever you did, thank you. It'll be nice to have my daddy back now."

Severus had never been one for emotion of any kind and he wasn't going to change that now. He couldn't speak. He smiled, and whispered 'thank you,' then turned and left for his rooms in the dungeons.

Perhaps he did matter, after all.

~*~ The End ~*~


End file.
